Well, it had been about four weeks into the class and I asked if I could read a reflection that I had written. The facilitators asked the class and they agreed and I shared this story:
Last Sunday I cried until my face tingled, this was a new experience for me. When I googled it I found out I was not alone, often babies that work themselves into a tizzy experience this. (but I am not sure how they would measure that) I realized I am merging two big pieces of my puzzle together. It’s a puzzle that doesn’t click together. It’s sealed through tears, work and gratitude. Tears because looking back there were things that hurt, that didn’t turn out the way I wanted, dreamed, or expected them to be. I am grateful you can’t cry forever. It does stop. Grateful my awareness and compassion for others is accessible. I feel gratitude this too is a linker piece in my puzzle and I am slowly filing a chain that I don’t want as part of my family tree.
This week there is a mixture of emotions. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on counseling, and already done a lot of work on forgiving, understanding, healing and seeing the triumphs and letting go of different aspects of family relations. Owning my own story and choosing to create my new story has been a struggle. The strength, power, and confidence which accompanies the power to choose has been rewarding.
I recognize that I owe much to those who have gone before me. Ancestors who were writing their own stories the best they could. I grew up in a home with a father and mother who invested love and time into raising their children. Often before bed, my parents would talk to me about my day. I am grateful for that. It showed me how much they loved and cared for me. I am grateful for that piece of my puzzle.
In my later teenage years, communication would get more strained between me and one of my parents. The dishonesty, yelling and explosions were new terrain for me. I didn’t always navigate them the best but I was learning this new environment.
Actually, last week in class someone’s sharing gave me another piece to my puzzle. They said, “Sometimes when I”m in a rage I say things and I don’t remember I’ve even said them.” When I’ve confronted people about things they had said they would deny them… I was frustrated and hurt and just thought they were ignoring the issue because they didn’t want to deal with the consequences. But when I heard the information coming from a less personal source I believed it and could apply it to my situation. I viewed my story with a lens of compassion.
Sometimes life is about understanding where other people are coming from. Often they are just perpetuating behaviors familiar to them. But more often, they are giving you something better than they ever got. Sometimes it isn’t ideal but it is all they are capable of giving. All in all, they start to file away at chains they didn’t want in their life either. Because sometimes chains take generations to cut. As long as I keep giving more than I got.
So I want to end anger. I want my daughters to live in a home where voices don’t need to be raised to be heard. But healing is like a puzzle … each piece adds peace. I have learned that lowering the bar about needing the puzzle to be complete before my happiness can come is freeing. I’m trying to enjoy the process of finding new pieces and letting go of the need to complete it.