Well, it had been about four weeks into the class and I asked if I could read a reflection that I had written. The facilitators asked the class and they agreed and I shared this story:
Last Sunday I cried until my face tingled, this was a new experience for me. When I googled it I found out I was not alone, often babies that work themselves into a tizzy experience this. (but I am not sure how they would measure that) I realized I am merging two big pieces of my puzzle together. It’s a puzzle that doesn’t click together it’s sealed through tears and gratitude. Tears because looking back there are lots of things that hurt, things that didn’t turn out the way I wanted or dreamed or expected it to be. But you can’t cry forever. Gratitude that I am more aware of others who feel similar, gratitude that this too is a linker piece in my puzzle and gratitude that I am slowly filing a chain that I don’t want as part of my family tree.
This week there is a mixture of emotions. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on counselling, and already done a lot of work on forgiving, understanding, healing and seeing the triumphs and letting go of different aspects of family relations. Owning my own story and choosing to create my new story has been a struggle but the strength, power and confidence that accompanies the power to choose has been so rewarding.
I recognize that I owe much to those who have gone before me. Ancestors who were writing their own stories the best they could. I grew up in a home with a father and mother who invested love and time into raising their children. Often at before bed my parents would talk to me about my day. I am grateful for that. It showed me how much they loved and cared for me. I am grateful for that piece of my puzzle.
The next part that I wrote I cannot share because sometimes relationships that we have with others is more important than being completely honest on a blog. But perhaps one day I will be able to share it.
Communication would get more strained between me and one of my parents. The dishonesty, yelling and explosions were new terrain for me. I didn’t always navigate them the best but I was learning this new environment.
Actually last week in class someone’s sharing gave me another piece to my puzzle. They said, “Sometimes when I”m in a rage I say things and I don’t remember I’ve even said them.” When I’ve confronted people about things they had said they would deny them… I was frustrated and hurt and just thought they were ignoring the issue because they didn’t want to deal with the consequences. But when I heard the information coming from a less personal source I believed it and could apply it to my situation.
Sometimes life is about understanding where other people our coming from. Often they are just perpetuating cycles that are familiar to them. But more often then not they are giving you something better than they every got. Sometimes it isn’t ideal but it is all they are capable of giving and all in all they start to file away at chains they didn’t want in their life either. Because sometimes chains take generations to cut. As long as I keep giving more than I got.
So I want to end anger. I want my daughters to live in a home where voices don’t need to be raised to be heard. But healing is like a puzzle … each piece adds more peace. I have learned that lowering the bar about needing the puzzle to be complete before my happiness can come is freeing.