Each month I want to write at least one blog post. My problem is my mind has all these ideas but my body lacks the motivation to change my thoughts into actions. This then signals a guilty chord that sounds too familiar and reminds me of one other area of my life that isn’t quite measuring up. I remember studying psychology and this procrastination curve is a phenomenon. The only way one can exit the anxiety dip that naturally flowed from procrastination was to work. (Even with this knowledge I still find it difficult to begin.)
Here is my blog.
I have been struggling with finding my “new normal.” It was recommended by my doctors at the Tom Baker Cancer Center to have a complete hysterectomy. I would remove all the organs that kill most female members in my family. I did consider, read and weigh out the options. I found it best to follow their advice and have the preventative operation.
I had no idea that early menopause would push my mental breaking point. Not being able to exercise and have sex for six weeks showed me how much I relied on these experiences for the endorphin releases. When they were taken away I could only eat my releases. So one bite at a time I tried to create happiness. Eating is never the answer but it seemed a quick fix.
Dancing has always been a huge joy for me and when I could no longer do it I felt lost. I was praying and admitting my defeat to Heavenly Father. I said, ” I just want to feel normal, if I need medication then so be it.” I was running the idea by my mom when she bluntly stated, “The first question the doctor is going to ask you is what are you eating and how is your exercise.” I knew she was right. I decided to take control of those two factors. I started to respect my body and consider the fuel that I was using. I had to start exercising again too. The problem was I it made me nauseous and dizzy. I discovered I had to show patience towards myself on this journey. The journey to my new normal. I decided to enroll in an aquafit class. If you ever wanna feel like a rockstar start exercising with 70 year olds! I have never liked water and the chlorine itches my skin but I needed a starting point that was gentle and this was it. I recruited a friend to come with me to keep me motivated and she has been a blessing.
Eating has proven to be a much harder obstacle. I love the calming effect that sugar has on me. I like the instant gratification found in a cookie than the self evaluation and reflection needed to know why I am upset. I love the euphoria of salty buttered popcorn and welcome the relief it gives. Now don’t get me wrong, eating is healthy but when it’s used to alleviate stress and controls me than I have to think through a new game plan. I don’t have a permanent plan yet but I am aware of the problem and that is the first step to change. Honestly, I am overwhelmed by the size of this obstacle and must admit that my willpower is not enough to overcome this. Perhaps this is one of those weaknesses that the Lord was referring to when he said. “I bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them.”
I am hopeful about finding a solution and am encouraged by my sister’s great efforts in this area. As we spend the next week together I am looking forward to her good example rubbing off on me again.
Without my own natural source of estrogen, I am trying to find a good balance of hormones. I probably use this too much as an excuse but taking a pill every day has never been a forte of mine, and I do notice when I skip. Perhaps the Lord is teaching me about consistency and small daily efforts.
Life is constantly changing. I feel like we are all trying to find our “new normals” Whatever life throws at you, whether you choose it or it happens to you, you can find a new normal… but it takes time, a lot of prayer and a good dose of self-love.
Last night as I expressed regret about my lack of ovaries, my mother brought perspective when she said, “It is better than chemotherapy.” It was a nice reminder why I made the decision in the first place.